By Skip Chatterson - November 28, 2011
AUTHOR: BLAKE GRANTHAM
BREAKING NEWS – Manchester, New Hampshire – GOP presidential candidate New Gingrich receives the coveted endorsement from the highly-influential New Hampshire newspaper “The Manchester Union Leader”. According to an anonymous source, Mitt Romney who was counting on that endorsement, took it very hard. Before being heavily sedated, Romney was said to be literally pulling his neatly trimmed hair out by the roots. He was also screaming at the top of his lungs after seeing the picture of Gingrich making the gesture, on how he would hand Romney his own butt in the New Hampshire primary.
BREAKING NEWS – Sacramento, California – Even after showing a video of a long line of patrons waiting all night in New York City to her fellow democrats, California Congresswoman Maxine Waters still got zero support from her own party on a new state law she wanted to introduce. The new racially charged law would only allow African Americans to shop at Toys R Us on “Black” Friday. Waters later apologized admitting that it was a idiotic idea, and her young grandchildren called her a “pathetic liar” after she alleged that the original suggestion came from them.
BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – President Obama and his two daughters are pictured giving a traditional Thanksgiving pardon to a 45 pound turkey named Liberty. Later that day under orders from Obama, the Secret Service stopped the vehicle that was transporting Liberty to her new home in Alexandria, Virginia, and had it returned to the White House. The confused turkey was then immediately cooked and served, because the President was informed that it had ties to conservatives and the republican party.
U.S. and World History – The term “Native” as in “Native Americans” is actually a typographical error that was printed in a western newspaper in 1867 that was never corrected. It happened after a reporter that was present during the negotiations for peace between the Unites States and several Tribes. He later wrote to the editor of his neighbor newspaper and said, “If these Indians think that the United States is going to honor all aspects of this new treaty, they are some “Naive” Americans”.
BREAKING NEWS – New York City, New York – Several hospitals in New York City state that their hospital beds are filled to capacity with Wall Street Occupiers. Doctors are unanimous with their diagnosis, stating that 100% of the protestors have a severe allergic reaction to job applications.