By Skip Chatterson - January 8, 2012
Unconfirmed Breaking News/Jan 8th
AUTHOR: BLAKE GRANTHAM
BREAKING NEWS – Atlanta, Georgia – The Center for Disease Control and Prevention state that they have no record of Al Sharpton, Donald Trump, or Jesse Jackson ever contracting an STD, even though all three are notorious camera whores.
BREAKING NEWS – Manchester, New Hampshire – In an attempt to get the vote from all groups no matter how small, Mitt Romney states that he is happy to get the endorsement of Arizona Senator John McCain. Romney added, that because of McCain’s age, his endorsement should help secure the votes of Egyptian republicans that are also mummies.
BREAKING NEWS – Des Moines, Iowa – Congressman Ron Paul smiles to contain his anger against his staff, after repeatedly warning them to never allow the American flag to be displayed in his presence. He said he prefers to only see the one he designed, which replaces all of the 50 stars with swastikas.
BREAKING NEWS – Anchorage, Alaska – The ACLU files a lawsuit against the Anchorage Police Department for the death of a mentally unstable snowman. They allege that the police did not act reasonable by putting the snowman in a holding cell at room temperature for nine hours. The city coroner stated that he could not be certain of the cause of death, because he has never performed an autopsy on slush.
BREAKING NEWS – Lynn, Massachusetts – Eighty year old Claire Butcher has been threatened with being tossed into jail for 30 days for feeding the ducks at Flax Pond. The town council has stated that because Butcher constantly feeds the water fowl, they have absolutely no desire to fly south for the winter. Wildlife officials have renamed the lazy birds that won’t fend for themselves and want food given to them, calling them ”occupier ducks”.
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