By Skip Chatterson - May 23, 2012
AUTHOR: BLAKE GRANTHAM
BREAKING NEWS – Oklahoma City, Oklahoma – Los Angeles Laker guard Kobe Bryant speaks at a press conference, after the Thunder knocked them out of the playoffs. Bryant stated that even though it’s a team sport, he continues to get angry and frustrated when anyone on the Lakers shoots the ball other than himself.
BREAKING NEWS – New York City, New York – Reverend Delman Coates and Reverend Emmet Burns appear on the O’Reilly Factor, defending same sex marriages. Both men acknowledged that the bible condemns homosexuality, but they then stated, that because of God’s age, He is obviously old fashioned, and He should make a more assertive effort to keep up with the current trends.
BREAKING NEWS – Boston, Massachusetts – After nearly a two decade study, a panel of doctors at the New England Journal of Medicine has come up with a startling conclusion. They have determined, that if simple things confuse you, and you have problems processing basic information, and you are often unable to understand things that everyone else seems to understand, that statistically speaking, you are more than likely a stupid idiot.
BREAKING NEWS – Chicago, Illinois – You could hear a pin drop in a church after President Obama answered a question from a member of the congregation. The question was, if he thought Jesus could help him in some way to better this nation. Obama responded by saying, that Jesus lived in a small town, and didn’t have any noteworthy experience with community organizing. He then added, that in the current economy, job creating is important, and Jesus’ qualifications does not compare to his in the area of creation.
BREAKING NEWS – Washington, D.C. – Legal experts nationwide are stating that they are baffled over the most recent comment made by U.S. Attorney Eric Holder, at the 2012 National Lawyers Convention. Holder tells them that over the next four years, he would like to see a law passed that would make it illegal to commit a crime. His staff later defended his comment by stating, “In this great nation, it’s not against the law to say something extremely stupid.”